


Nightmare

by kpoplover101



Series: Lee Felix Centric [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Lee Felix (Stray Kids)-centric, M/M, angst with fluff, everyone loves felix, lee felix angst, lee felix hurt, self doubt, stray kids love eachother
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-14
Updated: 2019-08-25
Packaged: 2019-10-27 22:59:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17775842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kpoplover101/pseuds/kpoplover101
Summary: Felix has nightmares that bring up his insecurities and reality doesn’t help his mental state. The members try their best to wake him up from both bad dreams.*Minho was not eliminated in this version. No reason, just how I wrote it** Swears, slight self-harm( not described unless warned, suicidal thoughts )*





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Starting this Felix centric piece cause i’m a sucker for angst and for Felix. 
> 
>  
> 
> ⚠️ mention of suicide but not described at all⚠️

“You will not be continuing with the team”. 

Those words echoed through Felix’s head. ‘You will NOT continue’. God how he hated those words. God how he hated that language. Korean. Nothing against the language, it was beautiful and elegant to him but it was so hard. He hated it. Hated the fact that behind all the hurt and pain right now, he also understood. Felix understands why JYP is doing this. Eliminating him. Tearing his dream from him. Ripping him away from his family, his team. He gets it. It’s true, Felix messed up on the dance move. His foot slipped and he couldn’t stop himself from falling in time. It’s true his Korean is lacking. Like he said, he gets it. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt though. 

“Yes”. Is all he can say. He doesn’t trust his mouth to say anything else. 

Suddenly he can’t breath. His eyes are clouding from tears but he can make out 8 bodies coming towards him. 

“About time!” spits Jisung. No, not Jisung. The two had alway joked about being soulmates, being one day apart. They had always been the closest of close. He can’t leave Felix now. 

“I was wondering when you would leave” says Woojin. No, not Woojin. The eldest of the group always looked out for Felix. Whether it was bribing him home after staying late practicing, or cuddling at night, or simply sitting with him in silence; he had always been there for the aussie. He can’t abandon Felix now. 

“Good riddance” said Changbin. Gosh that hurt. Felix always looked up to him. ALWAYS. His rapping, composing, dancing, his charisma. Plus everyone knew they were extremely close. He couldn’t throw Felix away now. 

“I never thought you could make it anyways.” speaks Chan. God no. Please no. Felix could deal with the rest... but CHAN. After everything they had been through. Chan picked him, he picked him for the team. Chan believed in him when Felix didn’t himself. Chan cried with him, laid with him, talked about Australia with him, laughed with him. And now, he’s saying goodbye to him. No please no. He can’t leave Felix. Not now. 

Felix was clearly hyperventilating. Crying, sobbing, knees weakening. But the others didn’t care. They all just kept yelling insults, cruel words, and hate at him. They were happy he’s going. They eight of them. Woojin, Chan, Minho, Changbin, Hyunjin, Seungmin, and Jeongin. They were GLAD he’s leaving. 

He can’t breath. 

He can’t....breath. 

His knees buckle and he falls. Just before he hits the floor,

 

he wakes up. 

Felix shoots up into a sitting position, heavy breathing and sweat on his forehead. He tried to calm himself down. In...out...In...out. Felix’s breathing finally goes back to normal and his eyes adjust and focus to his room around him. Seungmin is still asleep in the bed next to him, sleeping soundly.  
‘Lucky’ Felix thinks. 

This was the fourth time this week he’s woken up from a dream like this. He’s getting sick of it. It’s bad enough the elimination happened in real life but he doesn’t want to relive it during his sleep( the already limited he got). This week he’s only gotten like 7 hours in total, less then Chan. 

Felix knows he’ll never fall back asleep so he decides to leave his bedroom. Plus his throat is sore from crying he now realized he’s done from the year tracks he feels down his cheeks. Felix gets up and walks out into the hall, making sure to be quiet while shutting the door. Making his way to the kitchen for water he closes the others doors to make sure they don’t hear him. He gets a cup of water and rests on the living room couch. His eyes are dropping but he knows it wouldn’t matter how tired he is, when his head hits that pillow he still won’t fall asleep. 

Instead Felix decides to pull out his phone. It’s around 3 am now in Korea so in Australia it would be 5 am. To early to call his family, not going to wake his hyungs... so he does on Twitter to kill time. 

That was a mistake. 

It started off fine. He was exploring random pages looking at weird things. From dogs to music to travel and finally to the group. They had recently uploaded a couple of selfies, one consisting of the whole group. They were all smiling and having fun. It was probably one of his favorite photos, the comment section however was what made it bad. They started off mild. Some were directed at other members and Felix made sure to report or delete them, but when hate towards him showed up he hesitated on getting rid of them.

‘Reading a couple couldn’t hurt right?’ he thought. He just wanted to know what Stay thought of him, to improve of course. So he read. 

“Felix is ugly here” He knew that already. Next. 

“Ewww... why is felix here?”. He was wondering the same thing. 

“Honestly I wish he was out of the group”. 

“JYP should have kept him out”. 

“The members would be better without him.”

“He should just kill himself.”

Kill himself. 

Kill himself. 

Those words related in his head. ‘Maybe he should?’ ‘Would that help?’

Before he could continue down the road he was headed in his thoughts, he was interrupted by the living room lamp being turned on. 

“Felix?”. Crap. It was Chan. Felix quickly put away his phone in his pocket and wiped at his tears which had started again after the comments. He was to slow though and Chan saw the tears. 

“Felix? Oh...baby” Chan hurried to sit next to Felix but still hesitated on touching him. It’s one more thing Felix liked about the other. He saw people hurting and was there for them but also understood if they needed space. He didn’t, however, like it’s when he himself need that said help. Felix hated showing how weak he was, how pathetic. If he can’t rap, sing, dance, compose, speak korean, or be good enough; he wanted to at least be strong and put the other members before him. But he can’t do that, so he’s useless. 

“Felix.. baby, what’s wrong?”. God the amount of concern and true care in Chan’s voice almost sickens Felix. But he can’t worry him, not with everything the leader already has to do. So Felix puts on a fake smile.   
“Nothing hyung, really. Just saw a sad video on Twitter. Why are you up?” he says trying to change the subject. But Chan could see right through that. 

“I heard you close my door and I was concerned. Can I see your phone?”. 

Fuck

“Wh..Why hyung? It was just a video.””

Fuck

“Felix let me see your phone.” This time Chan spoke with leadership. 

Sighing, Felix handed it over. “It really isn’t that bad hyung.” he whispered. 

Chan had a different opinion. After reading it for a while he both a shocked and almost hurt expression. He turned the phone off and put it down.   
“Oh Lixie” he began but Felix cut him off.   
“Chan hyung really it’s fine. I’m sorry okay, I didn’t mean to look at them but I couldn’t sleep and I was bored and I didn’t mean to. But it’s okay and i’m fine.”  
“Wow wow wow, Felix calm down okay. I’m not mad.” The younger hasn’t realized he was tearing up and his breath was quickening. He focused back on his breathing and calmed down.   
“Good. There you go. Youre okay.” reassured Chan. The leader had pulled Felix unto his lap and was rubbing calming circles on his back. The motion started to tire out Felix. 

Chan must have noticed. “Hey. How about we talk about this tomorrow and we go sleep in my bed? Okay?”. Felix could only nod. 

They made their way to Chan’s room and laid down in his bed. Chan on his back and Felix lying on his chest listening to his heart beat. The elder had his arms protectively around Felix and hummed a gentle tune in his ear. 

Felix dreaded the talk in the morning but he was to tired to focus on it right now. He fell asleep to Chan humming and warmth surrounding him. 

He just hoped another nightmare wouln’t ruin his peace tonight.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ⚠️CUTTING MENTIONED AND BRIEFLY DESCRIBED⚠️. 
> 
>  
> 
> Background on Felix’s mental health.

Chan and Felix never got to their talk in the morning. 

 

The group was woken up with their phones going off. Apparently there was a last minute long dance practice, then their scheduled vocal and rap practice, followed by an interview and then finally a break. Felix didn’t have a break however and instead had Korean lessons for two hours. 

He was not looking forward to it at all. Sure his teachers was patient and nice, but the voice in the young australians head always told him that the teacher was annoyed. Felix’s korean has improved a lot but it still needs work. There are times where he doesn’t understand a joke in an interview, so he laughs at nothing. Many times he confuses words and that in turn confuses his members. His members never complain but again the voice in his head says they hate him for it. So, he sucks it up and goes to the lesson. Twice a week every week, he goes and tries his best to not disappoint everyone. 

The group was currently taking a water break and hour into their dance practice. It hasn’t been long but everyone was already tired, and it showed. Jeongin and Woojin were sitting against a wall leaning on each other for support. Hyunjin and Minho were taking about the dance but clearly not really paying attention to the words coming out of their mouths. 3racha were sprawled across the floor, eyes closed. Felix was the only one standing, leaned up against the wall. Sure he was tired but he couldn’t let that weakness show. The others could cause they were useful but him, he wasn’t. Felix has messed up twice during the practice so far and the dance played over in his head. How he messed up, how his footing was off, his arm was to short on that move etc. He hated it. Felix was supposed to be apart of the dance line and yet he messed up just that. What was he if he couldn’t do what he was told to. 

Felix was to lost in his thoughts that he didn’t notice one members looking at him worryingly. Seungmin was sitting opposite of Felix against the wall. He had noticed Felix’s sad and distant expression and was worried about what the australian was thinking. Truth be told, even though Seungmin was younger(barely) he always cared about Felix as a hyung would. All the members had a not so subtle soft spot for the aussie. Not only because he was the actual sun but also cause they worried about his mental health. 

As much as he tried to hide it, it was no secret that Felix struggled with self doubt, depression, and cutting. 

Felix has always had mental health struggles. With his disapproving family, hate from ‘fans’, bullying from fellow trainees, and his own fucked up mind; he had a lot to deal with. He had thought about cutting before but had never done it. That is, until after the survival show. Of course he was sad about the results. Well, sad was an understatement. The hatful words filling his head, the idea of disappointing both his family and the members, plus the fact that all the other members were gonna leave him, all became too much to bare. So, he cut. It started small, one or two on the thigh, but soon it became more. Even after he was brought back on he show he still did it. 

“The only reason he’s back is because of the fans”. 

“He’s just there as a pity vote.”

“They should have kept him out.”

These comments and more were what kept him cutting. And one day the others found out. 

*Flashback*

They were a couple of weeks away from their official debut. The mv was finishing up filming, the album was almost done, and the choreography was going well. Everyone was excited and Felix was actually doing good. But then the teaser dropped for ‘District 9’ and everything turned for the worse. Although a lot of the comments were of happiness and anticipation, some were hateful. The members had gotten together to read some because they were excited to see how everyone would react. That was a mistake. The other members cause comments like...

“OMG JEONGIN IS I.N. NOW. SO CUTE!”

“3RACHA MADE A BOP!”

“HYUNJIN IS SO HANDSOME!”

etc.   
While Felix got...

“ewww Felix looks weird.”

“He probably won’t get lines. Lol”

“Hopefully he won’t be on screen a lot.”

He didn’t know if the others saw them, but he sure did. Felix has excused himself to go to the bathroom and then he broke down.   
‘They’re right’. 

‘I DO have no lines’

‘Ugly... useless...nothing’

He was crying and breathing heavily, trying to be as quiet as possible. The hate filled his head but he couldn’t get rid of it. He turned on the faucet to drown out his sobs and he pulled out a razor he had hidden. And he cut once on either wrist. Be was so focused on the blood and the tears that he didn’t hear foot steps approaching. He didn’t hear a knock on the door and he didn’t hear the concerned yells of some of his members. The yells became more constant after Felix didn’t answer the first couple of times. Eventually Chan kicked the door open but before he could enter fully he stopped dead in his tracks. 

Felix was sitting on the floor, back against the wall bleeding. Tears down his face, blood on his hands and no one knew what to do. Luckily Chan snapped out of it due to Jisung scream of pain. He started ordering people around. Chan and Jisung rushes to Felix to stop the bleeding. Luckily the cuts weren’t deep so a hospital wasn’t needed yet. Changbin and Minho got the first aid kit and items to clean the wounds. Woojin and Hyunjin comforted the maknae line even though they were breaking as well. After quite a bit the bleeding had stopped and Felix’s wrists were bandages and cleaned up. Everyone had moved into the living room and pilled around Felix who had yet to say anything. He just cried and repeated apologies over and over. After calming down he explained. God he explained everything. They all cried and hugged and promised him it would get better. It broke the members to see their sunshine like this and they vowed to never let it happen again. 

*Present*

So that’s why right now Seungmin is so worried. But the practice is over and all the members are dispersing to go to their next schedule. Seungmin reminds himself to talk with Chan later to see what’s going on. He cannot do nothing. Not again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this is bad but thanks fo reading anyways💖💖💖
> 
>  
> 
> Highkey don’t know my update schedule so good luck.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It get too much for Felix. 
> 
>  
> 
> *swearing warning*

It was later that day and Felix was struggling to stay awake. He had just finished up his official Korean lesson but wanted to stay and work some more. Of course he had gotten the usual “come home” texts from Chan and Woojin but he didn’t care. He needed to work. 

Felix glanced at the close which currently read 10:00 pm. It wasn’t even that late but he couldn’t not for the life of him concentrate on the language in front of him. All the words mushed together in his head and he couldn’t unscramble them. Felix realized he wasn’t getting work done but he needed to still try. He needed to try for him members,for himself,for his family. But he realized it was useless to try to study without comprehending so he decided to work on dancing instead. He needed to improve in that too. So he plugged in his phone and started to dance. 

 

*meanwhile*

Back at the dorm all the members were relaxing after their long day. Chan and Woojin were in the kitchen making a late dinner; Minho, Jisung, and Changbin we’re lounging on the couch; and Jeongin, Seungmin, and Hyunjin were all in Hyunjin’s room. The two eldest of course were worried about Felix. They had each sent messages which were met with a “i’ll be home soon” or “don’t worry”. How could they not worry?

After returning home Chan had been approached by Woojin who had also grown concerned about Felix throughout the day. Both had decided to talk to the younger about it when he got home. If he ever got home that is. They would go and get him but it wasn’t past the “too late to be practicing” time that the group had decided upon and therefor Felix would never leave. So they waited for him to come home or for that “too late time” came( which ever came first ). 

They waited 

and waited

and waited

 

Chan deep sighed catching the attention of Woojin. 

“It’s midnight, if he was coming back in his own he’d be back by now. We need to go get him.” 

“Yeah, you’re right” replied Woojin. Both started to get ready to leave, throwing on coats and their shoes. They were about to exit the dorm when they heard a small voice behind them. 

“Hyungs?”. It was Seungmin. 

“Seungmin we’ll be back soon. We gotta go get Felix.” spoke Chan. 

“Hyung that’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I was worried about him earlier today and I was gonna talk to you.”

“Could we do this when we get back Minnie. We really need to get him home.” responded Woojin. The two eldest started walking towards the door again 

“Wait just hear me out.” They pauses at the door. “ I was concerned so I started looking on social media to see if there was something and I found this.” Seungmin handed his open and on phone to the elder. Chan walked up to Woojin to see what the creek said. Twitter was opened and the trending hashtags were pulled up. The top one read:

‘KickOutLeeFelix’!

If that wasn’t bad enough, the two then saw that the hashtag was trending...in 36 countries. 

“God I hope he hasn’t seen this ” whispered Chan, almost to quiet to hear. 

“Now we really need to go get him.” The leader spoke with worry and determination in his voice. The two others could only nod. Woojin and Chan left Seungmin with a small nod which meant ‘we’ll get him, don’t worry’. And with that they left and Seungmin returned to the other members. 

*back at the practice room* 

Oh...Felix was well aware of the hashtag(sorry Chan) and he was also well aware of it tending in 36 countries. He had the ‘pleasure’ of seeing it while he was taking his first water break in over and hour. He usually doesn’t look at his phone because his breaks are short but today he was just so goddamn tired so his break was longer today. 

He first saw it on a tweet @ing straykids. He was hurt of course but didn’t think anything of it. Then he saw more and more and more all with the same hashtag. 

‘KickOutLeeFelix’ or some variation of it. Each either has a rant about why he should be gone or a pic of him with an X over it. 

Lastly he saw the trending and he broke. 

36 countries. 

36!!!

36 countries in the world each with thousands or millions of people. All of which wanted him gone. 

Sure he wasn’t the best singer, dancer, rapper, producer, song writer, composer, wasn’t a leader, or the maknae, or visual but....

crap...

he really couldn’t come up for a reason he’s here. After months of hate pouring in on him he’s starting to believe them all. After all could 36 countries really all be wrong??

His members would say he was enough but what’s 8 people compared to 1 million? They’d say those people didn’t matter, but his family mattered and they didn’t believe in him either. No matter what his members said, his own head would say it’s a lie. Because it’s hard to believe 8 people who tell you you’re enough when everyone else says you aren’t. He wanted to believe them, believe in himself, but his mind was so fucked up that it wouldn’t let him. 

Instead he practiced. He practiced till he hurt; till he no longer sweat; till his throat was as dry as a desert; till he was enough. But he never felt enough, so he kept practicing. 

Until the music stopped. 

Felix has been trying to perfect a move that was actually already perfect. He’d been so focused on him moves he hadn’t noticed two figures entering the room and clicking the music off. As soon as the sound stopped he turned towards the speakers where his phone was plugged in. There stood Woojin and Chan, concern and slight panic on their faces. 

“Shit” thought Felix. 

“Uh* clears throat*.. hello hyungs. What’s up?” spoke Felix. God he sounded so weak, which he was. Of course they’d come for him but he couldn’t leave. Not yet, not while he had to improve. 

“What’s up?? What’s up? It’s almost 1 am and you’ve been practicing since 7 pm! That’s what’s up!”. Chan wasn’t yelling but clearly was concerned enough to raise his voice. Woojin gently placed a hand on Chan’s shoulder, a sign to calm down a bit. 

“Felix, we’re here to bring you home. Get your stuff and come with us.” spoke Woojin, calm and collected but with authority. Authority Felix wouldn’t usually go against but he needed to stay.

“I’m good hyung really. I just need to finish up thi-“. 

“No Felix. You’ve been here too long already. Come on.” interrupted Chan, calmer this time. 

No No No, they didn’t get it. Felix couldn’t leave, he needed to improve. 

“Hyungs really i’m fine here. I need to-“

“Lee Felix you are coming home with us even if you don’t like it. So get your stuff!.” This time it was Woojin to raise his voice. Felix flinched at the words. It wasn’t often the eldest yelled so when he did you knew it was bad. 

But he couldn’t leave. 

He can’t.   
He needs to improve and get better. 

“Felix?”

He needs to be enough. 

“Felix!?”

NEEDS to be enough. 

He didn’t realize he was hyperventilating till he was on the ground in Chan’s lap. Apparently the thought of going home sent him into a panic. He was slightly crying now, eyes blurry and throat hurting even more. Woojin was playing with his hair in order calm him down while holding his hand. Chan was hugging his close. 

“Shh..ssshh.. It’s okay Felix. You’re okay. Breath with me okay?”. Chan started counting. 

1...In

2...Out

3...In

4...Out 

Soon enough Felix’s breathing was back to normal. Tears still slowly falling down his cheeks only to wiped away by Woojin. He was still in Chan’s arms which had slightly loosened around him. Felix could finally clearly see his hyungs. Looking at both their faces he could see that their slight panic from before had matured into complete panic. They tried to hide it, but Felix could tell that they were scared. Why shouldn’t they be? He’d be practicing like his life depended on it for weeks, working himself for the bone. He barely ate full meals, slept minimally due to nightmares, apparently now had panic attacks when offered a chance to stop it all. He was a mess. A fucking wreck. 

“Lixie?” said Chan, just above a whisper. “Sweetie, can you tell me what that was?”. God Chan spoke as if Felix would break and maybe he would. Felix would love to answer his questions but he himself didn’t know what just happened. 

So instead of answering right away he just buried his head in the crock of Chan’s neck. Quietly starting to cry again. 

“Sshhh.. It’s okay baby. You’re okay Felix.”

 

But that’s where the elder two were wrong. 

Felix was not okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the messed up update schedule. I am really busy with school and life in general so...rip. 
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks so much for reading. 💜


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Felix breaks and the others see
> 
>  
> 
> Warning: self deprecation and swearing

Felix, Chan and Woojin stayed at the dance studio for another 20 minutes before Felix was calm and collected enough to go home. He still didn’t want to but there was no way the others would let him stay, especially after his panic attack. 

Woojin had helped him walk by placing an arm around the younger’s waist while Chan carried his bag. Both kept a worried and protective eye on him the whole way back to the dorm. Felix hoped that because it was late enough that the other members would be asleep by now and he could escape to his room. 

Thankfully he was right. 

When the three walked into the dorm it was completely empty and quiet and Felix could let out a sigh of relief. 

“Go shower baby and then head to bed. It’s been a long day,” said Woojin gently. Felix could only nod, not missing the concerned and saddened looks the other two gave him on his way to the bathroom. 

When he reached the bathroom the young rapper quickly undressed and stepped into the warm water of the shower. He washed up and cleaned his face and hair but instead of getting out right away he stood there under the water. Normally he’d get out and go to bed but he couldn’t face Woojin and Chan right now. He’d let them see him at his weakest, at his lowest. 

 

And he hated it. 

 

The only other time he’d let anyone see him like that was his elimination. The events of today bringing up memories he desperately wanted to forget. 

Felix had talked about his elimination with the other members before but only once and he always held back. 

“I’m fine hyung.”  
“I’m over it really.”  
“I’m back, that’s all the matters.”

No one else could understand, none of them had gone through what he had. None of them had been told they weren’t good enough by JYP. None had been kicked out; taken away from their family; scrutinized and ashamed. None of them would understand, so Felix didn’t make them try to. 

He’s not saying the others didn’t suffer. Of course they did, it was a survival show. Chan was under extreme stress being the leader. Seungmin, Woojin, and Jeongin we’re constantly criticized about their vocals. Jisung was told he was to young to be the producer we wanted to be. Hyunjin and Minho struggled with scrutiny about their rapping. Changbin was yelled at about his dancing. All had struggles, ALL of them. But none of their struggles were elimination. 

At times like this Felix would yell at himself internally. He should be over this. He was back and in the group. But the voice in his head wouldn’t shut up. 

“The others had struggles but they managed to stay in the group.”

“You were brought back because they pitied you.”

“If you were actually good you’d get more lines.”

“You’re pathetic. No wonder your family isn’t proud of you.”

Tears started streaming down the australians face, mixing with the water from the shower but a knock at the door interrupted his self deprecating. 

“Felix, are you okay?” asked Chan. 

“Yeah, coming hyung.” Felix quickly turned the shower off and stepped out. He dried himself off and changed into a long sleeve shirt and sweatpants. When he exited the bathroom Chan was standing outside leaning against the wall. 

Fuck

“Lixie? Are you okay?” asked Chan. The elder was clearly worried but Felix just wanted to be left alone. 

“Yeah hyung, i’m just tired.” Felix gave the other a reassuring smile. Chan clearly wasn’t buying it. 

“Wanna sleep with me tonight?” he asks. 

God Felix wishes he could. Everyone knew how much the rapper liked to cuddle but tonight the idea made him just feel guilty. 

“N-no hyung, i’ll be okay on my own.”

A flash of concern entered the olders eyes. 

Felix rejecting cuddles??

That might as well mean the end of the world. If it was that bad that the younger was rejecting human contact then Chan just wanted to coddle him more. 

“You sure?” chan asked hopeful. 

It looked like Felix was contemplating it, wondering if it was really okay. So Chan beat him to it...

“You know I love a good cuddle to help me sleep mate. If you want to I’m more then okay with that being you.”

Relief overtook the youngers face. All Felix had to do was nod a yes and Chan was dragging him into his room and laying down under his covers. Felix nuzzled up to Chan, placing his head on the olders chest. Chan started playing with Felix’s hair and in seconds the younger fell asleep in the leaders arms. Chan soon followed but not before kissing the head of the boy in his arms. 

And all was well. 

 

Or so they thought. 

 

 

You won’t be continuing with the group. 

You aren’t good enough

You can’t rap. 

You can’t sing. 

You can’t dance

You’re ugly...

...annoying

...nothing

“Felix!!!”

...NOTHING

You don’t deserve to be here. 

“Lixie!!!”

You don’t deserve to be alive

“FELIX”

Felix bolted awake only to be met with Chan’s panicked face and comforting hugs. Felix was crying and breathing heavily, his throat sore from all the screaming he assumed he did. The door flung open and in walked the other members. Changbin, being Chan’s roommate, was already by Felix’s side running his fingers through the youngers hair. All the members looked terrified and so concerned it broke Felix. He started sobbing hard, clinging to Chan like his life depended on it and hiding his face in the leaders chest. Said boy moved Felix into his lap and hugged him tighter. 

“Shh..shhhhh. It’s okay Felix. It was just a nightmare. It wasn’t real.”

“Y-ye-yes it w-was. It was re—eal.” Felix tried to speak, tried to tell them that it was real. It happened and it was killing him. Changbin just shushed him and hugged him from the back. The other members joined the three on the bed or floor near the bed. All touching Felix in some way, uttering words of calmness or love. 

It toke some time and more southing words and calming touches but Felix eventually fell asleep in Chan’s arms again. When they were sure he was sound asleep the members all looked at each other with tired but worried eyes. 

“Hyung, what do we do?” asked Jeongin. 

“We’ll talk to him tomorrow. We can’t do nothing anymore. We have to be here for him.” spoke Chan with authority and slight guilt. The others all nodded and looked at Felix again lovingly before exiting to their rooms. Chan and Changbin soon fell asleep, all in one bed with Felix in the middle. 

No other nightmare came to Felix that night but tomorrow when he woke up, he would have to live with his dreams consequences.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the messed up updates. 
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks for reading💜💜


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They all talk. 
> 
>  
> 
> ⚠️ suicide mentioned, self harm minor mention and just sadness in general ⚠️

When Felix woke up he was alone, missing the warmth he felt before falling asleep the night before. 

The night before. 

Crap

All his members had seen him last night. They had all seen him break and he hated the idea of it. The idea he hated more was of the talk they all would make him have. He understood they were all concerned but he couldn’t talk about it. He couldn’t let them see how weak he was. He feared the talk they were definitely going to have the second he exited his room. 

He physically shivered at the idea of having to explain everything. His elimination; his parents; hate from fans; hate from JYP; hate from himself. 

They wouldn’t get it. They wouldn’t understand. No one had gone through what he had and he hated having to explain how it mad him feel. 

The others weren’t insensitive or mean about his situation, they were the opposite actually. But their deep concern and care was seen as pity but Felix. And he hated pity. 

A knock on the door dragged Felix out of his thoughts. Before the person entered Felix quickly lied down facing the wall and pretended to be asleep. 

‘Maybe they’ll leave’ he thought. 

He was wrong. 

“lixie?” it was Jisung. The slightly elder member placed his hand on the slightly younger members shoulder and lightly shock him. 

“lixie. i know you’re up.” 

fuck

With that Felix slowly rolled around in order to face Jisung. He was met with a worried but care filled smile and his mouth involuntarily made a small smile as well. However the others smile soon faded into a worrier look. Jisung brought his hand up to Felix’s face, rubbing gently under his eyes. 

“You were crying.” It wasn’t a question but Felix shyly nodded anyways. Jisung toke his hand which was dabbing Felix’s tears away and intertwined into with the youngers instead. Slowly he pulled, causing Felix to sit up. Felix tried to resist but Jisung gave him a pleading look that he couldn’t refuse. 

“Come on Lixie, we just want to talk. Please.”

Felix only nodded again. 

When Jisung and Felix walked into the living room hand in hand, the others members looked towards them. They were all sitting either on the couch or floor near it, smiling at the two entering the room. Felix’s tear stained cheeks did not go unnoticed. 

Jisung led Felix over the center of the couch next to Chan and then toke the spot on Felix’s other side. The others all gathered around Felix, siting in front of him or next to Chan and Jisung. Everyone looked at Felix with patient eyes but Felix just looked down at his hands placed in his lap. He had hoped no one would speak for some time so he could come up with excuses but he wasn’t so lucky. 

“Felix”, started Chan, “I know you don’t want to talk about what’s going on but you need to. We’re just worried; you aren’t sleeping, or eating, or cuddling, or even talking to us a lot. That nightmare was a cry for help, so let us help you. Please”. 

Felix finally looked up only to meet his leaders worried eyes. He looked around to meet 7 more pairs of worried eyes and reassuring smiles but he quickly looked down again. 

“It..it’s really nothing hyung.” he said at almost a whisper but everyone heard. 

“It’s not nothing Lix and you know it”, this time it was Changbin who spoke. “Please lixie, talk to us.” 

Felix let our a shaky sigh. Deep down he knew it would be easier to get his members help. But just cause it was easier then keeping it in doesn’t mean it was completely easy. 

“umm..I just....ive been getting these dreams.. well nightmares and they won’t go away and....they just make me think too much that’s all.” 

“How long have you been getting them?” asked Chan. 

“hmm maybe 2 months but they’ve been getting worse.” Felix looked up when he heard multiple gasps. 

“Th..that long?” Jeongin asked. Felix again only nodded. 

“What happens in the dreams?” asks Minho. 

At this questions Felix visibly freezes. His face is emotionless but his body language said he wants to disappear. He feels Jisung interlock their fingers again, grounding him. 

“Felix?”. 

Tears stated forming in said boys eyes already. God he didn’t want to cry, not in front of his members but the thought of his elimination brought it all back. 

“umm..it’s just umm memories.” 

“Lix, you can tell us. It’s okay.” reassured Minho. 

This time Felix just nodded his head no. He couldn’t. They wouldn’t get it, they’d think he’s weak. He couldn’t...couldn’t... couldn’t 

But he had to. 

but he couldn’t 

“I’m... im okay. It’s okay really, you guys wouldn’t get it and it’s not that big of a deal.”

“Felix, stop it. I don’t care if we won’t understand. Whatever this is, it’s hurting you and we want to be here to help. So try us,” spoke Chan. 

Felix deep sighed, knowing his hyung was right. 

“I um... I keep having nightmares about that night. My...elimination. About JYP yelling at me and at first you guys would comfort me like real life but over time it got worse. You would join in, yell at me, tell me I deserve to leave and that i’m not good enough. One time...one time you even told me I don’t deserve to live and it’s stuck in my head. I know I shouldn’t keep thinking about it but I can’t stop. I can’t even differentiate if it’s my nightmare or just me talking now. I can’t help but believe my dream and I try and try but I can’t get it out of my head. It’s scaring me so much because I think it’s right.” Felix was sobbing while speaking but his members heard it all clear as day. And it broke their hearts. 

Jisung was the first to react, pulling Felix into his lap and hugging him tightly. Chan soon joined and one after the other all 8 were hugging him and whispering reassurances. Soon enough Felix calmed down enough for the members to slowly release him(except Jisung). 

Felix refused to look at them so he hid his head in Jisungs neck. He feared that if he looked up all he would see would be 8 disgusted and disappointed faces looking back at him. The others silence wasn’t helping his thoughts at all but he was more scared of their response then his mind. 

“Lixie? Lixie please look up?” Felix shock his head no at Jisungs questions. 

“Baby, come on. It’s okay”. 

After a few seconds Felix finally lifted his head, daring to look at his members. 

He was surprised to see tearful eyes looking back at him. 

“Felix” Minho toke Felix’s hands in his signifying that he needed to pay attention. 

“Felix, you’re right. We don’t know exactly what you went through and we don’t 100% understand but we get the overall concept. We all suffer with doubt and self deprecation sometime but the difference is that we talk to each other about it. Sweetie, you can’t keep this all bottled up anymore. We might not get it completely but no matter what we will always be here to comfort and talk to you.” Felix only nodded. 

“Lix, your nightmares, your thoughts-they aren’t true. You said that in your dreams we were yelling at you all these terrible things and they aren’t true. They’re the furthest from the truth ever. You are so talented it’s insane. You’re a great dancer, an amazing rapper, your singing voice is one of an angel, you’re cute and sweet and funny and kind and so much more. No matter what JYP or some stupid ‘fans’ say, you. are. perfect.” when Woojin was done with his speech, Felix looked around at 7 other heads shaking in agreement. 

“Felix, you said-you said something about not believing you should be alive anymore. Lix, god you can’t know how desperate we are for you to realize that thought it so wrong. We love you so much and you dying would kill us as well. Hurting yourself again or doing something-something worse is not the answer. We are the answer, therapy is the answer, anything besides that. I know that us talking for 5 minutes won’t solve the pain you feel but we will continue to talk to you and reassure you until you see what we see. Cause we see a kind, talented, loving boy who is too good for this world. So please, please stay with us long enough so you can see that too.” During Changbins talk, Felix had begun crying again but this time more out of relief. 

He was so relieved that they understood. They didn’t hate him, they LOVED him. 

 

And Felix knew that their love could ward of his nightmares.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the fucked up update schedule but school is a bitch. 
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks for reading💖💖💖💖💖💖


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Good things never last long

It’s officially been 2 months since Felix’s last nightmare 

2 months since the groups heartfelt conversation

and 2 months since Felix cried last. 

It felt great to be back to normal, at least as normal as he could get. Felix slept more, talked more, played with his members more. He was more energetic, bright, optimistic, he was his sunshiney self again. 

For the first couple of weeks his members kept a close eye on him. Felix wasn’t left alone at all, even in the bathroom the door had to be open a little. 

However, as time passed his members got less strict. Felix understood why they were concerned but was extremely thankful when they finally backed off a bit. 

Everything was going so well, Felix should have known it was too good to be true. 

 

The day started like any other. The group woke up, got ready, dance practice, and comeback meeting. The only different thing about today was that the group had a fan sign. 

For a majority of the time the members all loved fan-signs, only making an exception if they were really tired or sick. The opportunity to communicate with fans brought smiles onto their faces every time. 

It was going well so far, the group was around 3/4 of the way done with the fanmeet. Felix was seated in between Minho and Chan, all three in the middle of the nine, making Felix the member who was dead center. 

Felix had just finished up with a fan and was currently waiting for the girl in front of Chan to come talk to him. That’s when he saw it. 

Felix has been blocked by fan after fan from seeing a sign another ‘fan’ was holding up. The girl was standing almost directly in front of him a couple rows back. She looked normal, except for the obvious death glare she was giving Felix. To top it all off, she had a sign that read:

“Felix, leave Straykids before I make you”. 

 

He couldn’t move, frozen in place. He desperately wanted to look away but his eyes were glued to the girl. Her eyes were full of so much hatred it made Felix flinch. 

Chan must have noticed this because he turned his head quickly to check on Felix. By now the fan had moved from him to Felix so the younger tried to focus on her. He could feel Chan’s concerned gaze before he saw the elder look out into the crowd. Out of the corner of his eye he could tell when Chan saw the sign. 

The leaders eyes grew twice their normal size, almost making Felix laugh. The other tried to hold back his anger but you could tell he was livid if you looked close enough at his fiery eyes and clenched jaw. 

Felix felt bad for the fan who has now moved to Minho because he was completely out of it while taking to her. He couldn’t help it though, he kept the thinking about the sign. 

If he wasn’t panicking before he sure was now because the girl was moving. She was moving closer. Felix realized that she was getting in line to come up on stage. She was going to come up to him. 

Chan noticed too and slightly took Felix’s hand in his, squeezing tight. Felix appreciated the gesture but holding hands was not distracting himself from his own head. 

“She’s right”

No he was getting better 

“It coming back to haunt you”

No he’s moved on

“You know she’s right”

N-no, she can’t be

“Are you sure?”

Ye-No, no i’m not sure. 

This was not good. He needed to calm down before she got to him. The girl was at Changbin who was next to Chan. He needed a plan, how was he gonna handle this?

Chan had let go of his hand when the girl got to him. Felix tried to listen in on their conversation, maybe Chan would say something? 

“Omg i’m a huge fan! Don’t tell the others but you’re my bias!” spoke the girl. 

“Thank you, who should I make this out to?”. Chan sounded dead; no emotion or joy. It sounded like he was speaking out of necessity and not want, which was true. Clearly by the girls response, she heard his tone too. 

“I’m sorry, did I do something wrong?”

“Well yes as a matter of fact you did. I don’t appreciate you making signs telling my members to leave the group!” Chan was fuming, eyes full of fire and words that could cut. 

By now all the members were looking at Chan. Thankfully the fans were too focused on the albums that they didn’t pay attention to Chan’s outburst. 

A manager, who noticed the sign, walked up to the girl and asked her if she could leave. She was not having it, determined to defend herself for her actions. 

“Well sorry but someone had to say it! You really think that he deserves to be here!” During her rant she both glared and pointed at Felix. The eye contact causing he to flinch even more now that she was up close. 

“Listen I hate to break it to you guys but Felix doesn’t deserve to be a member. You all would do so much better as 8. I’m just looking out for you cause I actually care! You know it’s the truth!”. 

“That’s a lie!”

“Of course he deserves to be here”

“Don’t pretend to care, you liar!”

All the members were yelling over each other. The fans finally realized what was going on and were talking as well. Three different managers were trying to get the girl off the stage without hurting her, without any luck. It was all just too much, to overwhelming for Felix. So he did what he thought was best...

 

he ran.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!💖 
> 
> I’ll try to get better at updating but sorry


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is short but it’s just a build up to the next chapter.

He didn’t run far, no, only to the bathroom.

He also didn’t really run, it was more of a panicked walk.

No one tried to stop him; managers, stylists, interns, no one got in his way.

 

When Felix made if to the bathroom he locked himself in a stall and just sunk to the floor. He could hear distant calling of his name, probably his members, but he couldn’t open his eyes. He kept picturing the girl, how mad she looked, how determined she was to show the others that Felix wasn’t good enough. It brought up memories.

_“I’m sorry, you won’t be continuing with the team”._

_“He’s back out of pity”._

_“Leave before I make you.”_

That wasn’t just hate, it was a threat and Felix couldn’t be more scared. He was so terrified. Terrified that his members would agree with her, that JYP would change his mind. But most of all, he was terrified of himself. He couldn’t do this anymore, he couldn’t live with his hatred and fear.

It broke him, mentally and physically. He had tried to hide it, to pick himself up and dust himself off but he couldn’t. So he let himself break, break down crying that is.

 

Sobs echoed throughout the bathroom, paired with uneven deep breathing. He couldn’t stop, couldn’t calm down. He’d been holding it in for too long to stop now.

“Lixie?”. Felix could tell it was Chan as he heard the bathroom door open slightly followed by 8 sets of foot steps.

“Lix? Can you open the stall door baby?”

No he couldn’t. He couldn’t let them see him like this, it was bad enough they could hear him. Felix couldn’t do a lot of things. He wanted to be strong, he wanted to be better but he couldn’t.

“Felix, open the stall. Please”. He could tell Chan was worried by his tone but he still couldn’t do it.

Instead Felix just curled in on himself even more, trying to block out the world. The world that hurt; the world that caused pain; the world that was slowly killing him and that he was letting kill him. He felt weak and pathetic. What made him feel even more weak was his craving to open the door, to let his members in. As much as he despised the thought of them seeing him like this, he despised the thought of being alone even more.

In Felix’s nightmares, his members always left him. They always yelled, insulted, pushed and then left. He tried to remind himself that in real life they did none of that, but his nightmares had too strong a grip on his mind for him to fully believe it to be true.

‘Maybe if I let them in they’ll stay?’ he thought to himself.

‘But what if they leave?’ he counteracted.

At this point though what did he have to lose besides everything.

“Lix, co-“. Chan was stopped by a body ramming into him, almost knocking him over but not before Woojin steadied him. Chan’s arms immediately wrapped around Felix and pulled him in closer, the others slowly joining in on the hug. Felix was still clearly crying but it was significantly less then before.

“Hey, it’s okay. You’re okay”, Minho tried to calm Felix down as best as he could.

“N-no it isn’t. I’m-im so-so sorry.”

“Hey-hey, you have nothing to apologize for Lix. It’s gonna be okay. The girl was taken away by security and the fan sign ended so we’ll get you home soon. I promise you’ll be okay.”

“But-but i’m not okay. I haven’t been okay.”

“I know, I know baby. We’re here, we’ll help.”

“I’m never gonna leave you behind Lix”.

And the tears kept coming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I have a shitty update schedule. My school brain is confused af. 
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks so much for reading 😊❤️


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